I used to think that I had great sex.
I used to think that what I was getting was “normal,” good, above average, and fulfilling. Growing up in Europe I also felt fortunate to not have much of body shame and felt quite liberal when it came to my sexual freedom and expression…
You see, you only know what you know and you don’t know what you don’t know. You think you have a great sex life and then… you wake up. Yup, that is what happened to me at the tender age of 45! I just got out of my second marriage and in those 6 years I experienced anything what love is NOT and what happens when sex went all wrong. When I met my ex husband sex was great, actually amazing, and then the most toxic enemy of love and relationship started creeping in: JEALOUSY.
I thought I could fix it, I thought I could prove that there is no reason to be jealous because I was true to him, I thought that if I give more, show more, follow his needs he would relax and not be upset for every man that I would only talk with. I learned how to live my life as to not give him reasons for jealousy. I stopped working with male clients, I stopped dressing sexy, I stopped a lot of things that were dear to my heart for the sake of “love” and his comfort.
The result: I was walking on egg shells, I was not myself anymore but a woman that would make him feel safe, constantly proofing my love for him by gradually abandoning myself. My soul shriveled like a raisin and when I got to the point of severe depression, almost suicidal, and my health went down to a point of frozen hips, unable to move freely, I know I had to leave him to rescue the me that was left. And so I did.
And I took time off. Time off relationships, time off social activities. Well, they were almost non existent anyways cause all my focus had been on how to make HIM happy. I moved into a little converted garage cause that was all I could afford because my coaching business had been affected by my own misery. I loved this place. It was on a mountain top, overlooking a lake that would become my best friend, and it felt like retreating into a little cave to heal my wounds, to nurture myself, and to build myself up from scratch again. My best company at that time were two cats and my dog. Meditation and journaling were my savior. And then I added dance. I danced as much as possible with my hips not really cooperating at that time but I could feel my energy coming back and eventually my body starting to work again and get stronger. My neighbor had horses, another love of my life, and I was soon back on horseback, another medicine for me that always worked to bring me back to health. I dropped into deep soul search, self discovery, and each day my Self came out more and more.
And then there was the life changer. A weekend that changed everything for me. Not just in terms of finally feeling healthy and fully alive again but also waking up to something that I never knew existed and the power it holds. It was a weekend that when reading the description I thought NO WAY I can do that and simultaneously I HAVE TO GO! It scared me, it excited me, it challenged me, it brought up all kinds of stuff and because of all this resistance I needed to explore what that was. And deep down I felt a stir, a knowing, that my life would be forever changed if I moved passed my fears and just dropped into this workshop. I did trust the facilitators, and it was an all women thing, so I felt safe enough to make that decision. You wonder what it was that scared the shit out of me? I will tell you although the title sounded not scary at all to me:
The Wild Feminine Playshop
The description read things like pleasure, breast massage, yoni show and tell, and, here comes the one that triggered me the most: group masturbation! What?! You mean all of us in the same room doing something that is so private and pretending it is as normal like having dinner or a meditation circle?! And yoni show and tell? You mean we are spreading our legs and showing each other our most private parts that most of us haven’t even seen ourselves? (just because without a mirror we really can’t see IT)
I was terrified and yet too curious, too excited about challenging me, too intrigued to not go. And so I went. And I woke up. At the end of the weekend I KNEW that I had a whole new and profound area to discover in me: my sexuality, closely tied to my feminine. I realized that I had been asleep to the power of the female body, what sexuality really is, and how it affects all areas of my life. I had done my research and self discovery regarding soul, spirituality, energies, holistic health, mind power, and so forth but I felt like I had just discovered the missing link that glues all of the above together. The magic, the secret, the unspoken, the mystery. And I went to work. Because that’s what I do. I see something of immense value, I have an experience, and I wanna know all about it and dive deep until I feel I got it.
My focus (yes, and a bit of healthy obsession) was all on sexual energy, because I do geek out on energies, on female anatomy, on the divine feminine, on human sexuality, and how this all plays out in the life of a woman. In fact, even though I had great sex, I did have three children, I realized that I never truly felt like a woman nor knowing what it really means to be in my feminine. I studied aspects of tantra, I went to workshops and events around that subject, my journaling in the morning changed and I was tapping into the ancient mysteries of the feminine, sexuality, and the magic it holds. I started dressing more feminine, more flowy, more sexy, and even my dancing and expression changed. I looked at my past, my relationship to sexuality, I cleared old trauma, any shame around my body and sexuality, and I examined my beliefs and programming around the subject. And the most profound thing I did was going on my journey of sexual self discovery. Before all of this I did not care much about masturbation but now that I realized the potential of sexual power I was all in and established a daily practice of turn on while also learning what works great and what doesn’t for my own pleasure. I even got out and bought my very first vibrator! It was a rabbit, and I called it my BOB, my battery operated boyfriend, just to make sure to keep me self sufficient and away from the temptation of men until I felt ready again.
And something else changed. Actually everything changed as I tapped more and more into my sexual being. I lost extra weight, I became really healthy without trying, a glow, an inner radiance started shining through, I felt strong, powerful, confident, and happy. Needless to say, more and more men were attracted to me while I was still defending my sacred ME time. I was in love with myself, my body, and in deep connection to my soul. I had established a real relationship. With my Self.
I knew I had a new mission. I wanted women to know. I wanted to share with them the “secret”. I looked around and saw most women asleep. Sexually depleted, disconnected to their true power, and most of them looked grey, stale, incomplete. Well, basically what I looked like when I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I shared my new discovery with everyone around me, whether they wanted to hear it or not. Just talking about sex was triggering their stuff and yet my excitement got them to stay in the conversation and listen. I was passionate about it. I radiated this glow, and they were craving it.
Fast forward. About a year after all my studies and re-birthing of my true self I met Jonathan at one of the tantric events I attended regularly. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t looking, in fact I was even fighting it, but when our eyes met I noticed a familiarity with him, I knew that I had been with him in many other life times, and I also knew instantly that we had work to do together as a team. And he felt the same. Our first date, our first sex was unlike anything I ever experienced before. Not only did our energies match like crazy, but more in me woke up. And I knew I met a master when it comes to sexuality and how to play the female body like an instrument. He brought me to new, higher places of sexuality where I literally channeled ancient wisdom of the feminine. He also knew how to come from a place of reverence, of honoring, of awe, of love that I felt never before coming from a man to that extent. His relationship with sexuality was so normal, so natural, and nothing was a big deal, nothing was shameful or taboo, and nothing that could not be talked about. I realized quickly that he has a gift. I was always turned off by the term “sexual healer” but there he was, in flesh, not weird, not creepy, but healing me to the core from all that was left after I had done all of my own work and sexual discovery.
Today I know that the path of sexual self discovery never stops.
It is a constant evolution like our spiritual and personal growth. But what is really possible, what is really available when we tap into the power of our sexual energy is so potent, so healing, so fulfilling that I believe we all need to know about it, women and men. Sex is like Food. So many women only experience little treats, junk food, a tiny meal when it comes to sex. Most women have yet to experience the five star gourmet meal that keeps you saturated for days and truly takes you to out of this world places. Most women are starving, craving this kind of a meal, without knowing that it actually exists. Once again, we don’t know what we don’t know but we somewhat know that something is missing or not of the high quality that we deep down know exists. From junk food to organic food, healthy food, nourishing food. A true satisfaction of all the senses, all the way to soul. And that’s my mission! Helping women to cook up and experience gourmet food, whether single or with a partner.
Bring in all the tools, the spices, and techniques.
Throw out all the junk food in the pantry.
Turn on the fire in your sex kitchen and sizzle away into gourmet sex land.
Let’s change and upgrade your sexual food quality to nourish your body, mind, and soul so you can take this potent fuel into all areas of your life.
Come with me and have the time (and sex) of your life! If you are single this is the best time to step it up and attract the kind of partner you really desire in your life. If you are in relationship it will accelerate your love and connection.
I am starting to teach women’s groups again, retreats are in the planning, and I am also accepting a few new private coaching clients starting January. Call me. Sign up. Get on board. Make 2018 your year of being sexy, vibrant, in love, and alive!
In Love, Juiciness, and on Purpose,